oneliners

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her…or something like that.

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you -the next time he’s in need.

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut…

I use to feel like I was a man trapped in a woman’s joke, but then I was born.

What do Michael Jackson and Speed Racer have in common? They both have a monkey and a small boy in their trunk.

Q: Where do nudists go fishing? A: Moon River. Q: What do you call a singing hot dog in New York, New York? A: Frank Sinatra. Q: What do you call a really smart cow? A: Grade A beef. Q: What song do they play at plumbers’ funerals? A: Taps. Q: Where do you take…

We have all wished for something, but think about this: Hold out your hands, wish in one, and crap in the other. Which hand do you think will get filled up first?

How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs? None. He fell.

What’s a man’s ultimate embarrassment? Having an erection, walking into a wall, and hurting his nose.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.