oneliners

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. “Here,” he said to the waitress, holding out a piece of meat for inspection, “do you call that pig?” “Which end of the fork, sir?” the waitress asked.

Found on Roadside Dead Fucked Over Re-built Dodge

What are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows.

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would…

Waitress: “Would you like your coffee black?” Customer: “What other colors do you have?”

Like I said before, I never repeat myself.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

When everything’s coming up roses, it’s time to celebrate. But, when everything’s coming up daisies, it’s time to mourn.

What did the chicken say to the bully? Why don’t you peck on someone your own size?

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. Gravity…it’s not just a good Idea, it’s the Law. First things first, but not necessarily in that order. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips. Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which…

Where does a Dog go when he loses his tail? Answer: A retailer