oneliners

Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it’s too far to walk. What do you call a bright, sunny day that comes after two cold, cloudy days? Monday. A snake slithers into a bar. The barman says, “I can’t serve you, you obviously can’t hold your drink.” Which side of a chicken has…

The person who spends all of today bragging about what he is going to accomplish tomorrow probably did the very same thing yesterday.

Life is full of uncertainties…or could I be wrong about that?

These are my summer clothes. Summer paid for, summer not. How do you get down from an elephant? You don’t, you get down from a duck. Why couldn’t anyone play cards on the ark? Because Noah sat on the deck. Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other “You drive, I’ll man…

My dad has always told me that putting in a little effort and dedication on the job never hurt anyone. Then again, he never heard of worker’s comp.

Take your income and add 10%

1) A clear concience is a sign of a bad memory. 2) For every action,there is an equal and opposite critisism. 3) He who hesitates is probably right. 4) Eagles may soar,but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. 5) I went to find some camouflage clothing,but I couldn’t find it. 6) My wife went…

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has, tires, or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.

What did the chef name his son? Stu

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

“Please Don’t Hurt Me” by I. Bruce Easily “Life Through the Eyes of a Drunk” by Al Coholic “Thirty yards to the outhouse” by Will E. Makeit (illustrated by Betty Wont) “The Proper Use of Sunscreens” by Justin Casey Burns “How To Cure Scratching” by Ivan Awfulich “Discount Alternatives” by Robin Stuff