oneliners

What you humans call ‘THE APOCALYPSE’, I used to call Sunday Dinner! – Archangel, Gabriel

What is the difference between a lawyer and a wood tick? A wood tick falls off when you die.

Abortion – Near Life Experience Bald – Follically liberated Blind – Photonically non-receptive Bum – Displaced homeowner Cannibalism – Intra-Species dining Censorship – Selective speech Cheating (Marriage) – Post-Marital Affairs Cheating (School) – Academic Dishonesty Clumsy – Uniquely coordinated Corpse – Permanently static post-human mass Cowboys – Bovine control officers Crime Rate – Street activity…

Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant

Middle Age: when knees buckle and belts don’t.

Why did the penny become angry with the nickel? Because the nickel was a “penny pincher”.

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that’s where you get shitty ideas from.

According to the Institute of Incomplete Research, 7 out of 10 people are

How can you tell if a mathematician is an extrovert? He looks at *your* shoes when he talks to you.

Ask me about my vow of silence..

Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.

May your troubles be as few and far between as your great-grandmother’s teeth.