oneliners

There was a dyslexic insomniac agnostic. He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

Can you decipher this phrase? TTTTTTTTTT Tent.

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Farmer Bill…

Did you hear the one about the gay midget? He came out of the cupboard.

1. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else. 2. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. 3. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Don’t lend people money…it gives them amnesia.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead’s.

Never test the depth of water with both feet. Don’t take candy from strangers, unless they offer you a ride. I’ll start exercising as soon as i get into shape. If you have something to say, raise your hand and put it over your mouth. Maybe you should go to e-bay and buy a clue.…

When you marry, your spouse’s family become “in-laws.” So, when you divorce, does that make them “outlaws?”

Which came first – the chicken or the egg? It depends on who got laid first!

Why do they have braille on drive-thru ATMs?

rudeness – someone who keeps talking while your are trying to interrupt.