oneliners

A man who digs? Doug! A man who doesn’t dig? Douglas! A woman with a cat on her head? Kitty!

You’re like school on Saturday… NO CLASS!

If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.

The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to…to…uhh…

I used to be schizophrenic, but now we’re just fine

A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Magazine Bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.

The computer, the greatest invention in life even though it’s bad for you.

Q. Who likes to make dinner for Peter Pan? A. Captain Cook!

What do you get when a dinosuar stubs its toe? A: Stubasaurus

Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath with bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Bobs neighbor.