oneliners

The law of drunkenness- You can’t fall off the floor.

Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test. Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. – If they have…

Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.

What’s a bigamist? A heavy fog in Naples!

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place! When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.” Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life…

The American tourist in Dublin had been complaining a great deal about the food. “Here,” he said to the waitress, holding out a piece of meat for inspection, “do you call that pig?” “Which end of the fork, sir?” the waitress asked.

Found on Roadside Dead Fucked Over Re-built Dodge

What are Martians favorite sweets? Mars-mallows.

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would…

Waitress: “Would you like your coffee black?” Customer: “What other colors do you have?”

Like I said before, I never repeat myself.