oneliners

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

When everything’s coming up roses, it’s time to celebrate. But, when everything’s coming up daisies, it’s time to mourn.

What did the chicken say to the bully? Why don’t you peck on someone your own size?

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. Gravity…it’s not just a good Idea, it’s the Law. First things first, but not necessarily in that order. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips. Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which…

Where does a Dog go when he loses his tail? Answer: A retailer

Women like silent men – they think they’re listening.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

What’s the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity.

What did one tradesman say to another? I hope you have a “barter” day tomorrow.

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours? If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down? If the weather man says “it’s a 50% chance of rain” does that mean he has no idea if its going to…

The Egyptologist sneezed: Hapshepsut!