oneliners

PIANO PLAYER: “Do you think I have a gift for playing?” LISTENER: “No, but I’ll give you one for stopping!”

The squirrel’s eyes widened as he tried to move but froze when he realized…….. He’d buried the wrong nuts!

An English tramp. (hobo)

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement. Never read the fine print. There ain’t no way you’re going to like it. If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will get soaking wet. The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age…

Did you here about the giant with a nosebleed? It was all over town

The reason grandparents and children get along so well is really quite simple: They have a common enemy.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.

The difference between the Pope and your boss…. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Why do snakes always lose in court? Answer: They don’t have a leg to stand on!

She used to have a broad mind and a narrow waist; now it’s the other way round. It was a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers. Psychic wanted – you know why, and where to apply. I don’t think they really wanted me in the marching band – they gave me a…