oneliners

“God give me patience….And make it quick!”

There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

The wife ran into the house, screaming to her actor husband, “Darling, come quick. Your kids and my kids are beating up on our kids!”

I’m trying computer dating, at least I’m not getting dumped… but I do get deleted.

Professionals built the Titanic. An amateur built the ark.

I knocked several times, but you weren’t in. – Opportunity

I bought some powdered water but I don’t know what to add to it.

One employee asked another, “How long have you been working here?” The second said, “Ever since the boss threatened to fire me!”

And my FAVORITE…… The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you.

What kind of soup weighs 1000 pounds? Won ton soup!

I often dream of the day when my car will be able to drive me home after a long hard day of work. That’s about the time the driver next to me abruptly blows his horn telling me to wake up and get back into my own lane.

Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.