oneliners

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Not to worry: the man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

D.A.R.E. sadly doesn’t stand for Drugs Are Really Excellent.

Sign seen on a maternity-ward door: Push! Push! Push!

live long (die late)

Rabinovich notes: “I would prefer it the other way round.”

I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots. There can’t be any life on Mars. They…

I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him. “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I’m a schizophrenic and so am I.

The Romans had to give up their big holidays because of the tremendous overhead. The lions ate up all of their prophets.

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic. I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there. I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone. I replaced the headlights…

Mary had a little lamb! The doctor fainted!