oneliners

For all of you who say I need anger management… Just to let you know, if I could control my anger, I’d destroy you with it!

I couldn’t fix your brakes, so instead I made your horn louder.

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Is that a mirror in your jeans? Because I can see myself in them.

Q. What’s the best thing about a blow job ? A. Ten minutes of silence.

For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. Diplomacy – the art of letting someone have your way. A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago. Give and you might receive; take and be sure. I can’t remember the last time I forgot something. I’m not schizophrenic, and neither am I.…

Beer… it’s the cause and solution to all men’s problems!

Overheard at an exhibit in the science museum: “It says here that oxygen was discovered over two hundred years ago.” “Wow! What did people breathe before that?”

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.