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“Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants – uh oh. Bathing suit – okay. Naked – we’ll see. Should I be swimming…

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician said, ”You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.” The…

I didn’t mean to agitate the police officer. Water balloons are good fun, but he had to get all mad. Then he grabbed that metal baton thingy. That’s a lot less fun than a water balloon. I even said “think fast!” He didn’t say that to me when he used the baton on my face.

Did you hear about the gay guy that put a Nicotine patch on his penis? He’s down to three butts a day!

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.” She removes all her clothing and asks, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?” A man stands…

One of the funniest things I’ve heard in a long time. I was watching T.V. and an advertisement for the show, “Monk” comes on. I don’t watch the show, but I love the commercials He says to a Dr: “I’m not even stalking you. At least not at the moment.” I laughed for at least…

You can report duplicates once you get 100 points. For every duplicate that you correctly report, you get 10 points. You can also help by verifying duplicates that other users have reported. For every verification, you get 1 point (regardless of whether you vote yes or no). If you vote for a duplicate that you…

Made up this joke myself.. Please laugh. When I go all the way blind (2/3 the way there now); my Mommie’s gonna give me a new kitty and tell me that I can only play with it outside & in the street. The Kittie’s name is Pe-Pe-La-Pugh. She tell’s me it’s black & white. Love…

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, something that had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood…

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have? A. Very large hands. Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one…

Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food. The other guy asked, “How could you survive without food?” “It wasn’t easy,” he said. “But I had a big meal before I was captured…

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. Teenage Mutant Ninja…