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Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.” “I know the feeling,” the other says. “No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”

There Is an old lady who lives in a 14 story hotel. She lives on the 14th floor. Every morning, she goes down into the lobby, gets cereal and goes on a walk. On mornings when it is raining, she uses the elevator all of the way up to get to her room after she…

Deciding to take a day off from his important job, a young hot-shot broker went back to visit some of his professors at his old school. Entering the school, he saw a dog attacking a small child. He quickly jumped on the dog and strangled it. The next day, the local paper reported the story…

Here are some favorite sayings from people all over the world. Doctor: Oops. Secretary: I’m pregnant! Travel Agent: I know what you did last summer… Michael Jackson: I didn’t do it! Bill Clinton: I didn’t do it! Oh wait…Yes, I did. Computer Programmer: H0w d0 y0u w0rk th15 “Ch355” g4m3?? 1 N33D H3LP!!!111// Pilot: Are…

There was a farmer who grew watermelons, and every week he would check on his crop, and would find that the local kids had got into his field and eaten as many watermelons as they could. This went on for some time, and eventually the man got fed up replacing the missing watermelons. After some…

An American, a Russian, and an African were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. He said, “We’re right over my homeland.” “How can you tell?” asked the American. “I can feel the cold air,” he replied. A few hours later…

There was a pregnant women. On the way to the hospital, she got into a wreck. When she woke up her babies were already born. She asked the docter if she could see her babies. He said yes, and don’t worry your brother named them. The pregnant woman freaked out and said her brother was…

Patient:”Doctor,my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” Psychiatrist: “Rubbish! I like sausages too.” Patient: Good,you should come and see my collection. I’ve got hundreds.”

A Chinese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller, “Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen – today Iget a Hunat eighty?” The teller says – “Fluctuations!” The Chinese guy says “Fluc you white guys too”

Acquaintance: A person you know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Bachelor: A guy who gets to keep all his take-home pay. Pedestrian: A father who has teenagers who can drive. Honesty: The fear of being caught. Zebra: A horse prisoner.

CUSTOMER: “Look at that watch you sold me. It broke. You told me it would last a lifetime.” CLERK: “Yeah, well you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message “He’s lying” was placed in the copier, and the police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the “lie detector” was…