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CO-PILOT: Commander! We are being attacked! COMMANDER: Report your height and status! CO-PILLOT: I’m 5’11 and sittin’ in the cockpit.

A man was solving a crossword. For a four-letter word there was a clue: Look at the picture ! The man entered: I see .

In the USA they go ice skating. In Canada we go skating; we just assume it will be on ice!

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there’s no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can’t paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can’t paper do this to people? Why isn’t…

What did the wall say to the picture? How’s it hangin`?

A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job… as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man’s fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man…

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some…

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the ocean? Bob!

WARNING- this is very racial. Please forgive me if it offends you, but its true when you think about it. Since we have so many Mexicans saying,”o we want to serve you americans, work in america…”,why dont we just put them in the army. We give them our supplies. They go, jump the border like…

Great Thinkers of Our Time? Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” — Miss…

Hey, everyone, listen up, your attention if you please. We wanna give you a warning, ‘Cause I found out this morning, About a dangerous, insidious computer virus. If you should get it, an email with the subject, ‘stinky cheese’, Better off protecting your chances, Under no circumstances, should you open it, Or else it will……

Note: This is an exact replication of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL…