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Policeman: “When I saw you coming around the corner, I said to myself, `fifty-five at least.’” Woman driver: “Well, you are a long way off! It’s this hat that makes me look so old!”

There was an Iraqi force moving thru the desert. As they were approaching some mountains they heard (from over the mountains) “One U.S. Marine can take out 10 Iraqi fighters!” The General of the army sent out ten of his men to take care of the american, none of them came back after some shooting.…

Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?

Two babies were born in the same hospital on the same day and ended up in adjacent basinettes in the nursery. Eighty-five years later, by coincidence, each of them is admitted to the same hospital with a “terminal” diagnosis, and they end up in the same two-bed semi-private room. And one of them rolls over…

Makes one think, and puts things in perspective : Diet Snapple….16 oz $1.29……..$10.32 per gallon Lipton Ice Tea..16 oz $1.19……..$ 9.52 per gallon Gatorade……..20 oz $1.59…… $10.17 per gallon Ocean Spray…..16 oz $1.25…….$10.00 per gallon Brake Fluid…..12 oz $3.15 ….. $33.60 per gallon Vick’s Nyquil… 6 oz $8.35 …..$178.13 per gallon Pepto Bismol…..4 oz $3.85……$123.20…

A tourist to New York City, Bob, was marveling at the Poe opera house. As a man passed by Bob asked “Was this building named for the great author and poet Edgar Allen Poe?” “No,” replied the man, “the building was named for James Poe.” “What did he write?” asked Bob. Said the man, “A…

Change the position of just one of the words below so that all the words are in an alphabetical sequence: llama phoenix hyena alligator beaver elephant tortoise antelope Antelope. Move it from the end to the beginning, the initial letters will then spell ALPHABET!

There are only eleven times in history where the “F” word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 11. “What the fuck do you mean we are sinking?” Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 10. “What the fuck was that?” Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 9. “Where did all those fucking Indians…

1. Britney Spears & Eminem who, combined, have written more books than they’ve read. 2. Dr. Phil McGraw who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues. 3. America’s Oil Companies for a…

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES…THEY COULD COME IN HANDY A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sport bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security…

The warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said, “I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?” One of the three men stepped forward, “Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful.” “I see. And what did you use…

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, “Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the…