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1. Cover your stump before you hump 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3. Don’t be silly, protect your willy 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout 5. Don’t be a loner, cover your boner 6. You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong 7. If you’re not going to sack it,…

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” Johnny’s father replied, “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, ’cause I still have mine.”

What did the cop say to the bad popcicle? Freeze!

“Well, what have we here…?” He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue. “Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?” I’m stalling for time. “If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.” I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.…

A father, angry at his son for not doing well at school tells him, “At your age, George Washington was the best student in his class.” “Yeah dad…” replies the kid…”and at yours, he was the President of the United States!”

Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it. “Oh,” said Ole, “I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.” “How come?” asked Lars “Vell,” Ole answered, “because vith a clarinet she can’t sing.”

Why did the teenager cross the road? Because his parents told him not to.

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when…

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before. Each bought one. The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the…

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Bubba, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks…