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A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the “Magic Elixir of Life”. Of course, the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him. They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime…

The good, the bad and the ugly. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids; Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills; Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room; Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there; Ugly: You’re in them. Good: Your husband understands fashion;…

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose? Through a catalogue!!

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. “Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a…

Play this on a friend: You: You would call a witty remark a joke, right? Friend: Yes. You: Spell joke twice and say it 5 times please. Friend: J-o-k-e, j-o-k-e, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. You: (start laughing) Friend: Did I mess up? You: No. You would call a relaxing stay in a tub with…

Did you hear about France’s new weapons contracts? They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks . . . They are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.

There’s a man named Ralph that goes into a bar, looking very depressed. A friend approaches him and asks, “Why the long face, Ralph?” “Oh, I’m just bored. I know every person in the entire world now, and there’s just nothing left to challenge me.” His friend says, “No, you can’t know everyone. Do you…

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available,…

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time. Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing. What many people don’t know is Chuck Norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath. Chuck Norris was banned…

How to identify a dumb guy. You should be sure the person is a dum guy when he: • Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind. • Gets stabbed in a shoot-out. • Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it. • Tries to drown a fish in…

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother. The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got…

Can you decipher this phrase? FORWARD Straightforward!