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Q. What do elfs learn while in school? A. The elfabet!

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he had bid way more than he intended, he…

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Silverman became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous young blonde woman. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Silverman, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!” Bewildered, Mr. Silverman was halfway to the…

‘Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus, pursuant…

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper. “It has long been known…” I didn’t look up the original reference. “A definite trend is evident…” These data are practically…

You Know You’re From Westchester When… You go to a Dave Matthews Band concert and end up running into people you know from your school. Half the people in your school mysteriously develop inner-Queens accents during 7th and 8th grade. Starbucks is a regular stop for you. You say Abercrombie & Fitch makes you want…

Here’s a little tip from me to you as an experienced traveler. Wake-up calls are the worst way to wake up. The phone rings, it’s loud and you can’t turn it down. I leave the number of the room next to me. It just rings very quietly and you hear a guy yell, “Why are…

I asked the Lord to tell me Why my house is such a mess. He asked if I’d been ‘computering’, And I had to answer, “yes.” He told me to get off my fanny And tidy up the house. And so I started cleaning up… The smudges off my mouse. I wiped and shone the…

Things You Don’t Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System 1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices. 2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you…

BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree. MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?” ST. MOM’S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for…

Which sweet is very clever? A Smartie