others

A drunk man walked up to an elevator. He pressed the up button and opened the doors before the elevator could come down to him. He fell all the way down, and said, “Darn it, I said up.”

I’m racist because I have colored TV.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours. – Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. – His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity. – I…

Hawaii is the only U.S. state not to report a temperature of 0f* or below. Kangaroos can jump 30 ft. The first bike was called a hobbyhorse. A hummingbird weighs less than a penny. The smallest county in America is New York County, better known as Manhattan.

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A:To get to the shell gas station!

An army 2Lt. is taking his platoon on patrol when his scouts come running back and say “Sir, there’s a Marine standing in the road”. The Lt. scoffs and sends a fire team to go investigate and remove the Marine. They approach the Marine and he begins to head for a small ridge on the…

1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesn’t matter which. 2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone new every five minutes. 3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would. 4) Act like a hillbilly. Period. 5) Improvise Italian operas.…

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: This myasthenia gravis – does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that…

Which dog doesn’t have a tail? Hot dogs, of course.

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.” – A. Whitney Brown “When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.” – Rita Rudner “I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was…

What did one penny say to another penny? Let’s get together and make cents

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her…