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1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other. 2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test. 3. Marriage : It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a…

My friend told me these songs about barney. I hope you like them. (In rhythm to I Love You) I hate you You hate me We’re a violent family With a great big gun and a bang from me to you Won’t you say you hate me too. (In rhythm to Joy To The World)…

One day I asked my grandfather how to ice fish. He said all you need is a can of peas and a club. “Huh?”, I said. “How does that work?” “Well,” he said, “After you cut the hole in the ice you just place the peas around the edge of the hole! Then you wait…

Signs in the USA (mostly) In front of a New Hampshire restaurant: “Now serving live lobsters” On the menu of a restaurant: “Blackened bluefish” In a Maine restaurant: “Open seven days a week and weekends.” In a New Jersey restaurant: “Open seven days a week and weekends.” On the walls of a Baltimore estate: “Trespassers…

How many boy scouts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three- Each to do one good turn daily.

WARNING: SOME PEOPLE MAY FIND THIS RACIST, ALTHOUGH I MEAN NO OFFENCE. What do you call a Pakistani in a microwave? Ba-ding!!!

I know the day I gave up exercise. You wanna know? Check my birth certificate.

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally a…

DOS Beer Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon…

The door bell rings, and a man answers it. Here stands Little Johnny, dressed well but plainly, who says, “Trick or Treat!” The man asks Johnny what he’s dressed up like that for at Halloween. Little Johnny says, “I’m an IRS agent”; then he takes 28% of the man’s candy, leaves, and doesn’t say Thank…

One fine day in the middle of the night, Two dead men got up to fight, Back to back they faced each other, Drew their swords and shot each other, A paralyzed donkey passing by, Kicked a blind man in the eye, Knocked him through a nine-inch wall Into a dry ditch and drowned them…

Say this out loud: this is a cat is is a cat how is a cat to is a cat keep is a cat a is a cat dumbass is a cat busy is a cat for is a cat forty is a cat seconds is a cat * * * * * * *…