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1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch…

The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. “We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.” “Tell me! Did you find her?” the man cried. The troopers looked at each…

This couple is walking to a bank, and they’re trying to get at a savings account, when suddenly a bank robber comes in. He tells everyone to get against the wall, then he told the banker to put all the money in the bag. He then walks up to a man, and said, “Did you…

“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’” “I think that when you…

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general’s joke between two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension…

A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. “Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What’s wrong with me, Doc?”.…

In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran, and North Korea ‘Axis of Evil”-N.Y. Times, 1/30/02 ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA, and SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL; Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs Beijing. – Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya, China,…

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball. According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers. Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig’s blood. Count from one…

There was a man, let’s call him Gregory. Gregory was carrying a small box, and he went to another man’s house (we’ll call him Jebediah) and knocked on the door. When Jebediah answered, Gregory said “I have a proposition for you. Take this box. There is a button inside. If you press the button before…

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“Of course I know what I’m doing!” “Trust me.” “Say, what happens if I press this?” “Stop being so negative!” “I’m perfectly fine. Really.” “Do you smell something burning?” “It’s not that poisonous. Look, if I eat some first will you try it?” “See? Told you I wasn’t afraid of heights!” “You know, bears are…

Don’t worry, you aren’t fat. You’re only “fluffy”!