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This is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86-year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. Dear Sir: I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By…

Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one’s enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself. Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light…

A man who had been shipwrecked on a desert island for several years is starting to feel the effects of being starved of sex for so long. However, the only living creatures on the island are a dog and a pig. One day, the man decides he’s had enough and thinks to himself that it…

One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!” Checking to…

1.) That in school, getting a zero for a grade seems better than getting a 20 or a 30. 2.) That when you are hungry, you look in the refrigerator constantly, even though you know there’s nothing to eat in there. 3.) That ketchup has TONS of sugar? What’s up with that? 4.) That when…

Our new greengrocery is now starting! We feature lead-free gasoline, phosphorus-free washing powder, fluorine-free refrigerator, …, and iodine-free salt.

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it….. Ready??? ARE YOU SURE??? A: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find.

15 Fun Things to do in Public Areas —————————————— (I actually did all of these) 1. Go up to random people and ask “How are you doing?” See what kind of conversation you can start. (I met lots of new people this way) 2. Ask someone what another person’s name is nearby. Go up to…

Today I was thinking to myself, how would my life be different if I was born one day earlier. I said nothing would change except I would have asked myself that yesterday.

Rules For Chocolate =================================== If you’ve got melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution:…

Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on? A. The Captain’s dinghy!

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. “He’s not my husband,” she says. He passes by the second…