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It’s a sunny morning in a big forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his…

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef’s claim…

Phone won’t stop ringing? Here’s what you do – Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem, but unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was…

These are quotes from the show SOUTH PARK. If you’re a fan, you’ll love this! They are the quotes of CARTMAN(“the fat ass”) Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty’s ass, and I’ll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants. Stan: Jesus, Cartman. Cartman: Well, I’m just sayn’,…

It can buy a bed – but not sleep It can buy a clock – but not time It can buy you a book – but not knowledge It can buy you a position – but not respect It can buy you medicine – but not health It can buy you blood – but not…

A man was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The man asked, “Please, I’m…

Sign on the inside of a bathroom stall: “Beware of limbo dancers.” A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: “Today’s special.” Below, it says: “So’s tomorrow.” Sign in school: “In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended.” Sign seen on an electricity pylon:…

NFL – National Farting Legends BC – Before Comedy BAD – Being A Dumbass BEG – Big Evil Grin BF – Begging Forgiveness AA – Admirable Alcoholics NASA – Never Associate Sex with Aircrafts AAAAA – American Association Against Acronym Abuse ATLA – Another Three Letter Acronym BANANA – Being A Nuisance And Never Apologizing…

— Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs. — Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. — Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. — Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. — Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the…

Joe: Do you know the difference between a chicken and lettuce? Jill: No. Joe: Remind me not to send you to the supermarket!

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first…

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich.” The Madam says, “For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf.” The trucker says, “I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”