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A king is sentencing his prisoners. The first person enters and says that he stole a horse. “Hang him,” the king yells. The second person comes in and says he stole old ladies’ purses. “You heartless fiend! Shoot him” the king growls. The third person comes in and says that he pirated software on the…

A single coffee tree produces only about a pound of coffee beans a year. The only bird that can swim but not fly is the penguin. The tallest man was 8’11” The first vacuum was so large; it was brought to a house by horse. A female kangaroo is called a flyer.

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet. When money talks, no one criticizes its accent. I love my cat. My cat does not care. My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation. Everyone needs to…

A man received a notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear to the meeting with the IRS agent. The accountant said, “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you’re poor.” The man asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer advised, “Show them…

As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a…

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he dosent get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris’d. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse. It’s decendants are know as giraffes. Chuck Norris doesn’t need oxygen, oxygen needs Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn’t pay off debt, debt pays off Chuck Norris.

X-axis + Y-axis + Z-axis + time = 4 dimensions.

Q: What’s green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and if it falls out of a tree, can kill you? A: A pool table.

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, Rhode Island, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from…

A man with two left feet walked into a shoe store and asked, ” Do you have any flip-flips?”

Did you know they have Knight Rider in the GDR? It’s a Trabant with a pocket calculator!

What do you call the best fishermen in the state? Master Baiters