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barbie c/o Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CA 90245 To: Santa Claus North Pole, North Pole Dear Santa: Listen you ugly little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and…

Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) – You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk. Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) – You are a pioneer type and think most…

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite

Once, there was 3 Chinese people who wanted to go to America. Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound awfully weird, Bu said, “I’ll change my name to Buck, adding ‘ck’ to the end.” Chu said, “Then I’ll become Chuck.” After a long pause, Fu said, “I guess I’ll go…

A prisoner in the new Allegheny County Jail in Pittsburgh attempted to evade his punishment by engineering an escape from his confinement. Jerome constructed a hundred-foot rope of bedsheets, broke through a supposedly shatter-proof cell window, began to climb to freedom down his makeshift ladder. It is not known whether his plan took into account…

Once there was an old couple who went to the doctor for their checkup. They were told that nothing was physically wrong with them, but that they were both suffering from memory loss, and may want to start writing things down. That night when the couple is at home watching TV, the old man gets…

Once upon a time, there was a tribe of very hostile Indians who, upon catching a person on their land, would cut the person up and make a canoe out of them. One day, three men were walking through the woods when they wandered upon the canoe-making Indian’s land. They were all caught and given…

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This was seen on a bulletin board at a grocery store: “I have kidnapped myself. Please give me $2,000,000 and 5 tacos or you will never see me again.” And a different one: “I’m missing, so I have gone to look for myself. If I come back here before I do, please keep me safe…

Little Willy, full of hell, Threw his sister in the well. Their mother said when drawing water, “It’s so hard to raise a daughter.”

Two criminals are talking in a jail cell. “What are you in for?” “Something I did NOT do!” “Sooo… you’re innocent? What did you not do?” “I DIDN’T run fast enough!”

A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. “Give me a corned beef sandwich,” he ordered. “Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special.” “What’s a Midnight Special?” “A triple decker with…