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Procrastinators meeting tomorrow.

To get your Star Wars name, do the following: 1) Start with the 1st 3 letters of your last name 2) Add the first two letters of your first name 3) Add the first two letters of your mother’s maiden name 4) Add the first two letters of the city in which you were born…

Announcer, at a diving competition: “Ladies and gentlemen, we have both good and bad news to announce. The good news is that the dive just performed was fantastic and the judges have managed to give it a full score of ten. The bad news is… there was no water in the pool.”

Speak in a strange foreign accent. when someone asks where you are from, name a country only you can pronounce. Use a different accent every time you talk to someone new. When getting food, pile everything onto your plate in heaping servings – make sure to use your hands! Ask the host, “Who threw this…

Once there was a guy who lived in a blue, one story house. EVERYTHING in the house was blue. The refridgerator, all of the food, the tables, the chairs, the clothes of the man, the TV, the camera, the dishwasher, the washing machine, and even the man himself. What color were the stairs? Suspected Answer:…

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and… If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take…

3 ladies were on a flight. Suddenly the pilot informed them that there was a technical problem and the plane was going to crash into the sea. A Chinese lady quickly took her cosmetics set out and started to doll herself up. A Malay lady beside her questioned her on her actions. The Chinese lady…

A Scottish highlander is asked what his three wishes would be. He first wishes for a lake full of whisky. His second wish is for a similar quantity of good food. When asked for his third wish, after a moment of indecision, he asks for a second lake full of whisky.[2]

A judge scowled down at a repeat offender before him. “Haven’t I seen you in here many times already? And didn’t I tell you that I never wanted to see you in here again?” “Yes, Your Honor,” the defendant replied. “That’s exactly what I told the police officer, but he insisted I come in anyway!”

If Ida Lupino married George Wendt, then divorced him to marry Ted Danson, divorced him to marry Alan Alda, then divorced him to marry Ted Knight, and divorced him to marry Shelly Long, she’d be Ida Wendt Danson Alda Knight Long. If Whoopi Goldberg married Peter Cushing, she’d be Whoopi Cushing. If Swoosie Kurtz married…

Once, I was walking along our road and saw a man who appeared to be very old and well-lived sitting in a rocking chair. Surely, I thought, this man had all the answers. So I asked, “How did you live to such a healthy old age?” He said, “I do lots of drugs, eat lots…

A new jewelry store was opening for the first time. On the front of the store, there was a sign that said “Popular Prices”. A man looked at the sign and walked right in. He asked the employee at the desk, “How much for that pearl necklace?” “14,000 dollars.” “What? How are those popular prices?”…