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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. “What’s all the screaming…

Two crisps are walking down the road when a car pulls up alongside and the driver leans out and says “Do you fancy a lift?”. The crisps reply, “No thanks we’re Walkers”.

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There was once a Chinese immigrant who came to England; he didn’t know English, so he decided to learn some words by walking around the city of Nottsbourough. He walks into a nursery and all of the babies are shouting, “Me, me!” So he learns the word “Me”. He then walks into a restaurant and…

“It’s chilly in here,” the wealthy customer sniffed. “Will you please turn down the air conditioner?” “No problem sir,” said the waiter. After a few minutes, the man flagged the server again. “Now I’m too warm.” “All right,” said the waiter. But soon the customer was chilly again. Finally a patron at a nearby table…

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named “Mighty Storm”? “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” “Why is my sister named “Cornflower”? “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her.” “And why…

The smartest dogs are the Jack Russell Terrier and Scottish Border collie. Dumbest: Afgan hound. A rat can go without water longer than a camel can. The fat molecules in goat’s milk are 5 times smaller than those found in cow’s milk. It takes 20 minutes for the stomach to break down as opposed to…

Here is the difference between guts and balls. Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to just “be there.” Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on…

Bounty – The Quicker Picker-Upper Chevy Truck – Like A Rock Energizer – It Keepsa Going And Going KFC – Finger Lickin’ Good McDonals – We Love To See You Smile M&M’s – It Melts In Your Mouth, Not In Your Hands Nike – Just Do It Pringles – Once You Pop, You Can’t Stop

There’s this couple and they’ve just been married. The man says to the wife, “I’m goin’ hunting”. She says, “Oh, no, your not, we are married now.” The husband says to himself, “I’ve got to figure out a way to go hunting.” So he goes out and buys his wife all this hunting equipment and…

What is the definition of perfect pitch? When you throw the accordion into the dumpster and it lands on the banjo. What is the definition of a quarter tone? Two oboes playing in unison. What do you call a guitar player who just broke up with his girlfriend?? Homeless. How do you know if the…

The Revised Miranda Rights Version 3 You are under arrest and…. 1. No, I don’t care who you are. 2. No, I don’t care who you know. 3. Yes, you DO pay my salary. 4. Yes, you CAN have my job. 5. No, I don’t have anything better to do. 6. Yes, I DO arrest…