puns

One day, a depressed crocodile decides to see his doctor about his problems. He says, “Doc, I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel like killing people anymore. I don’t like attacking them, I don’t like wrestling them in the water, and I definitely don’t like eating them.” The doctor goes over to…

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was caught buttering up his teacher

How does a rodeo star get around? With a cattle-act.

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language.…

If a lawyer can be disbarred can a musician be denoted or a model deposed?

One day an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, “How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?” “No,” replied the…

Harvey’s grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, “Vat sims to be ze problem?” Harvey says, “I’m…

Why did the white girl go have sex with a Mexican? Because her teacher told her to do an ESE.

What is Kermit the Frog’s middle name? The.

Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser’s owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out…

What did the clock say to the wristwatch? “I enjoyed tocking with you, but now you’re starting to tick me off.”

Relish today, ketchup tomorrow! A hamburger walks into the bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.” I wanted to be a mime, but I talked myself out of it. Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.