puns

  • One-legged Lady

    What do you call a one-legged lady? Eileen!

  • Punny Jokes (yes, i know i mispelled funny)

    Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He’s all right now. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. How…

  • Strongest Days?

    Q. What are the strongest days of the week? A. Saturday and Sunday, because all the rest are week days.

  • Its a Habit

    A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that…

  • Museum Curator

    The assistant curator of the musuem came to the head curator with a couple of problems. “Sir, the mummy is damp and getting mouldy. And the white mouse in the maze exhibit has developed dry skin.” The head curator thought for a minute, then advised, “Put your mummy where your mouse is.”

  • The Three Balloons

    Once upon a time, there lived three balloons – Papa Balloon, Mama Balloon, and Baby Balloon. Baby Balloon would always go to bed in his own room, but would soon sneak into Mama and Papa’s bed. When Baby Balloon got a bit bigger, his parents tried to get him to stay in his own bed…

  • Don’t Ask!

    ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

  • Fast Food Frog

    Question: What did the frog order at McDonald’s? Answer: An order of french flies and a diet croak!!

  • Escalators

    Whenever I have to go up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator because one time i was on an escalator and I tripped… So i was falling for an hour and a half.

  • Depressed Crocodile

    One day, a depressed crocodile decides to see his doctor about his problems. He says, “Doc, I’m not sure what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel like killing people anymore. I don’t like attacking them, I don’t like wrestling them in the water, and I definitely don’t like eating them.” The doctor goes over to…

  • Cannibal

    Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school? He was caught buttering up his teacher

  • Rodeo Star

    How does a rodeo star get around? With a cattle-act.