puns

Me and my friend were IMing and it was like this… Me:BRB Him: kake Me:heh Him:I LIKE KAKE Me:i like 3.1415926535 Him:Pi >:0

What did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head, I’ll just hang around.

What is 4-2? two. What is 8-6? two. Who wrote Tom Sawyer? Twain Now say the answers altogether. Two two Twain. Have a nice twip!

What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? Answer: Roberto.

Here’s the day’s stock market report: Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading.…

It is obvious. The downfall of the world is here. It is 2005 and we have lived on this earth for ages. I suppose it is about time for the end. Proof? You want proof? I have all the proof you will need: They let Brittney Spears reproduce. Ohh that poor poor child!!

This summer, I went on a trip to Houston. I needed to go really badly, so I stopped behind a tree. A minute later, I darted out being chased by a hungry squirrel. He wanted some nuts.

-What do you call a dog in a submarine? -A sub-woofer.

This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental. He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted…

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns the big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do. Why?” The cowboy looked at the…

Q: What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth? A: Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth

You know, luckily they have this fraud protection thing going around. It’s supposed to save your butt if it’s happened to you. Capital one has it, Visa, Master Card, etc. If they notice some unusual activity, they’ll give you a call like this: “Hi, this is Capital One calling. We’ve noticed a lot of unusual…