puns

Pirate Blackbeard’s ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself. So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer’s room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, “Ok, please pose front…

If Bob the Butcher is 5’11” what does he weigh? -Meat

I went out to buy a new television, and wanted to buy a locally-made set. The salesman showed me a set I quite liked, and he assured me it was made locally, but I saw through that – clearly printed on the box was “Built in Antenna.”

One woman to another woman Woman- Those firemen are hot. Other Woman- Yeah they are nice looking. Woman- No. I mean they just came out of that burning building. They’re hot.

A couple of teenagers craving something sweet drove to the nearest Baskin-Robbins. They bought ice cream cones and returned to their car to be comfortable. As they settled back to enjoy themselves, two ravens landed on the front hood and began to caw and flutter, and to peck at the windshield. The young man finally…

A car breaks down along the highway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in long black trench coats. The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to all the oncoming…

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her…

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says it cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The…

So I said to the taxi driver, “King Arthur’s Close.” He said, “Don’t worry, we’ll lose him at the next set of lights.” – Tommy Cooper.

My pal is addicted to brake fluid – but he says he can stop any time he wants.

Two bees in their hive on a lovely summer day, and one says to the other, “‘Swarm in here, isn’t it?”

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.…