puns

What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday? “Oh, thank you! I’ll never part with it!”

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard. . . . It’s up to you, sync or swim.”

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as: “Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an…

“Hey Sean, I’ve got a job lined up for you, can you turn up tomorrow, about tenish?” “Tennish? I don’t even have a racket”

101 Hot ‘n’ Spicy Meals by Tung Payne

Sign outside a Chinese restaurant: Try our curries, you’ll never get better.

If winners never quit, and quitters never win… Who was the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead”.

What is more peculiar than watching a catfish? Watching a goldfish bowl.

Most people worry about getting AIDS from sex. Bill Clinton worries about getting sex from aides.

Two ships, one carrying lots of red paint, the other carrying lots of purple paint, crashed on a desert island. The drivers are now marooned.

BOB: Hey, I ran into George the other day. JOE: Oh, really? Was he happy to see you? BOB: Well, we were in our cars at the time…

Did you hear about the eyeglasses maker who moved his shop to an island off Alaska and is now known as an optical Aleutian?