puns

Why don’t elephants smoke? Their butts don’t fit in the ash tray

Q: What’s weirder than a talking dog? A: A spelling bee!

Collecting Unemployment Ole and Sven worked together and both were laid off, so they headed over to the unemployment office. When Ole was asked his occupation, he replied, “Panty stitcher. I sew elastic onto cotton panties.” The clerk looked up panty stitcher and found it classed as unskilled labor, so she gave Ole $250 a…

Marble is a valuable building material and should not be taken for granite.

The movie producer was planning his next blockbuster – an action docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger and offered them the chance to select which famous musicians they’d portray. “Chopin has always been my favorite,” said Van Damme. “That’s the part for…

Q: Why did the scientist install a door knocker on his door and not a door bell? A: He wanted to win the No-Bell (Nobel) prize!

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it…

I was walking down the road and saw a sign which read, “SIDEWALK AHEAD CLOSED. PLEASE USE OTHER SIDE OF ROAD”. Oooh, it made me cross!

Why did the Quiz Show give away $10,000 plus one banana? They wanted the prize to have appeal.

Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other? A: I have a lot of problems.

A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP… BUMP.. BUMP… behind him Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him …BUMP, it goes.. …BUMP.. …BUMP.. Terrified, the man begins to run…

Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said,…