puns

Ryan: Hey Philip, what’s that on your leg? Philip: A shoe! Ryan: Gesundheit! Philip: No, you idiot, a shoe! Ryan: No need to thank me, gesundheit!

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one—a real SWEET POTATO whom they called “YAM”. They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out…

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A. Slow down and use a lubricant. Q. What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild? A. Money. Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job? A. After five years your job will still suck. Q. How can you spot…

A test-tube baby has a womb with a view.

One day a three legged dog walked into a bar. He said, “I’m looking for the guy that shot my paw.”

This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign “Hans Olaffsen’s Laundry”. “Hans Olaffsen?” he thinks. “How in…

A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. “My dear Lord,” he said. “I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies, but out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is…

A fat woman and a slim woman were both smoking cigarettes; which one finished hers first? The fat woman – she takes bigger draws.

What is a plant’s favorite school year? KinderGARDEN!!!

Why don’t lobsters share? They’re shellfish.

I asked my girl-friend what she would like for her birthday, and she said she would like a green jumper. So I bought her a frog.

BOB- It’s Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions? GEORGE- I think it’s unlucky to have superstitions.