puns

Here are some books that should never be written: Workaholism, by Anita Dayoff Never Say Goodbye, by C.U. Latta Crowd Control, by General Panic Amazing Facts, by G. Willikers The Last Supper, by M.T. Potts Fast Food, by Eaton Run The Bee Hive, by I. Ben Stung Turn Off The Light, by Les Watts Cattle…

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him — and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy…

Next time you start to groan at friend’s pun, ask yourself: Am I just being jealous?: “A pun is the lowest form of humor — when you don’t think of it first.” –Oscar Levant “Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.” –Fred Allen “A person reveals…

Astronomy is looking up.

Do you know how old hags tell time? * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * ** *** **** *****…

Did you hear Bill Clinton gave up playing his sax-a-phone? He now plays his whore-monica.

It was visitor’s day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing “Ave Maria,” and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil. A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the…

Some friends were on vacation in Maine, and while watching fireworks heard their small son say, “Oh, God!” The father quickly cautioned his son, “Please don’t speak the Lord’s name in vain.” The boy nodded but obviously mis-heard, because he asked quietly, “Is it OK if I speak his name back in Minnesota?”

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam were best friends; they did everything together. The only difference between them was that Larry was the nicest lobster ever, and Sam, well,let’s just say he was not so good. Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together, but while Larry went to heaven, Sam went…

Two carrots are walking down the street one day when a car suddenly comes flying around the corner and runs one of them over. At the hospital, the doctor says to the other carrot, “I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend is going to live. The bad news is…

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming…