puns

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot. One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with her and after a while it…

I was walking down the road and saw a sign which read, “SIDEWALK AHEAD CLOSED. PLEASE USE OTHER SIDE OF ROAD”. Oooh, it made me cross!

Why did the Quiz Show give away $10,000 plus one banana? They wanted the prize to have appeal.

Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other? A: I have a lot of problems.

A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP… BUMP.. BUMP… behind him Walking faster he looks back and can make out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him …BUMP, it goes.. …BUMP.. …BUMP.. Terrified, the man begins to run…

Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said,…

I tried for years to snap my thumb and finger together – and suddenly it clicked!

I went to a wedding the other day. Two antennas were getting married. It wasn’t much of a wedding ceremony, but it was one heck of a reception!

What’s black and white and played all over? Black and White (the computer game)

Started a great book the other day – I couldn’t put it down. It’s called “The History of Glue”!

When I was in high school I had a friend who had a wooden eye (this was a long time ago). He was very insecure about it. Come senior year he didn’t have a date for the Prom. There was a beautiful girl he liked, but had a hairlip (this gave her an extreme lisp)…

There I was, in my car, driving down the road, when my boss rang up and said, “We’re making you Chief Area Salesman,” and I swerved. Ten minutes later, he called again, “You’re now Deputy Area Manager,” and I swerved again. Another twenty minutes go by, and another phone call, “You’re now Vice Chairman,” and…