puns

What did the lunch lady say to the boiled egg? You’re in hot water now!!!

Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas? A. He felt his presence!

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English…

How does the barber cut the moon’s hair? E-clipse it

It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic car-maker, Henry Ford. “Mr. Ford,” announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, “we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry.” Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the…

What do you call the planters guy beating up fruit spread? Peanut battering jelly.

Here are some books that should never be written: Workaholism, by Anita Dayoff Never Say Goodbye, by C.U. Latta Crowd Control, by General Panic Amazing Facts, by G. Willikers The Last Supper, by M.T. Potts Fast Food, by Eaton Run The Bee Hive, by I. Ben Stung Turn Off The Light, by Les Watts Cattle…

It seems that an elephant got too close to all the baby ducks the circus had brought in for Easter and accidentally inhaled a bunch of them. The poor elephant was choking on them and no one could help. Finally the trainer goosed him — and the elephant blew out a whole trunkful of downy…

Next time you start to groan at friend’s pun, ask yourself: Am I just being jealous?: “A pun is the lowest form of humor — when you don’t think of it first.” –Oscar Levant “Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.” –Fred Allen “A person reveals…

Astronomy is looking up.

Do you know how old hags tell time? * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * ** *** **** ***** ****** ******* ******** ******* ****** ***** **** *** ** * ** *** **** *****…

Did you hear Bill Clinton gave up playing his sax-a-phone? He now plays his whore-monica.