religious

What do you call when god takes a crap? Holy shit!

Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and confess. So the first boy went up to the priest. The priest says “What have you done bad in your life son”. The boy responds with “I’ve swore to my mother.” The priest says,”Take one sip of holy water.” The second boys goes up to the…

On the sixth day God turned to the Gabriel and said: “Today, I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall, majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles. It will have beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full…

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paid job and a beautiful wife,…

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE…

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon. The wife, being embarrassed by her husband’s loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service and poke him when he nodded off. The next week when they were in church, the husband,…

Did you hear about the new muslim air mattress? It blows itself up.

Some provincial man has come to Rome, and walking on the streets was drawing everyone’s attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: -Tell me, young man, did your mother come to Rome anytime? The reply was: -She never has.…

An old Jewish man is picked up by the Stalinist police and brought in for questioning: Where were you born?! St. Petersburg. Where do you live?! Leningrad. (menacingly) Where would you like to die?! St. Petersburg.

A Jewish man in a hospital tells the doctor he wants to be transferred to a different hospital. The doctor says “What’s wrong? Is it the food?” “No, the food is fine. I can’t kvetch.” “Is it the room?” “No, the room is fine. I can’t kvetch.” “Is it the staff?” “No, everyone on the…

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. ”Why?” he asks. St. Paul replies, ”When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.” The same happens to the second guy. He asks why. St. Paul replies, ”When you were nine you killed…

Why did God make man first? Because he didn’t want to be interrupted by woman!