religious

We were married by a Reform rabbi in Long Island. A very Reform rabbi. A Nazi.

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.” “Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.” “No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out,…

A nice girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiance to his study for a chat. “So, what are your plans?” the father asks the fiance. “I am a Biblical scholar,” he replies. “A Biblical scholar.…

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured…

One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited…

A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl said, “But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.” Irritated, the teacher…

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, “Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17.” On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, “Last week I…

In the middle ages, the monks were only allowed to talk once every year to the priest. They were only allowed two words to say. One year, when a new monk came, the priest told him of this and the monk agreed. After the first year, the monk said in a sad voice, “Bed hard.”…

Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly offering is appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord. The first minister says, “I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on each side, and throw the money into the air.…

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he’d just seen. “Son, you’ve just witnessed a miracle!”…

A man dies and finds himself standing third in line at the Pearly Gates. The Angel explains that admission requirements are now a bit more strict, as a few slum landlords and con artists have managed to slip into Heaven without being detected. He queries the first candidate: “What was your annual salary, and what…

A man has been in business for many, many years and the business is going down the drain. He doesn’t know what to do and is seriously contemplating suicide. He goes to the rabbi to seek his advice. He tells the rabbi about all of his problems in the business and asks the rabbi what…