religious

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.” And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that…

A Reform Rabbi was so compulsive a golfer that once, on Yom Kippur, he left the house early and went out for a quick nine holes by himself. An angel who happened to be looking on immediately notified his superiors that a grievous sin was being committed. On the sixth hole, God caused a mighty…

A priest was assigned a small church in the Alaskan backwoods. After a couple of years, the bishop stopped by to see how he was doing. “Ah, Bishop, it’s really lonely here. I couldn’t have made it without my Rosary and two martinis a day.” The bishop replied, “You know, a martini would taste good…

Who was the most complaining woman in the bible? Mary, because she got on Joseph’s ass and rode it all the way to Bethlehem.

Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn. “I’ll let you in,” said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, “if you’ll tell me who among these was the first mortal.” “Elementary, my dear St. Peter,” said the great detective, “he’s the one without a bellybutton.”

A Buddhist and a Hindu went skydiving together. As they prepared to jump, the Buddhist said, “If anything should go wrong–” “Nothing will go wrong,” said the Hindu. “But if it does, God will save me.” “Not a chance,” the Buddhist said, “Because there IS no God. There is only your Essential Buddha Nature.” The…

Dear Friend, The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on…

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.” The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.” The third…

A small boy stunned his parents after Sunday School when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious question, “Where did you get all that money?” “At church,” the boy replied nonchalantly. “They have bowls of it.”

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, “I had an affair with a woman… almost.” The priest says, “What do you mean, almost?” The man says, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.” The priest replies, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to…

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits,…

Why is it that when we talk to God we call it praying, yet when God talks to us we are schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin