religious

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. … “Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and…

Man- “Jesus Christ! I can’t open this hard drive.” Jesus- “Use the torx, Luke.”

God went to the Arabs and said, “I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.” And the Arabs asked, “What are Commandments?” And the Lord said, “They are rules for living.” “Can you give us an example?” “Thou shalt not kill.” “Not kill? We’re not interested.” So he went to the Blacks…

God said “Let there be light.” Chuck Norris said “Say please.”

Saint Peter asked the new arrival, “And what bad things did you do while you were on Earth?” The man thought a moment. “Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale, and I had some extra-marital sex, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t technically…

A man, trying to understand the nature of God, asked Him, “God, how long is a million years to you?” God answered, “A million years is like a minute.” Then the man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars to you?” And God replied, “A million dollars is like a penny.” Finally, the man…

A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod – one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, “Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.” The Jewish lady said, “But your sign says that…

1. I am the Lord thy God and thou shalt have not too many other Gods besides me. 2. Thou shalt make no graven images. This is a major religion, not a shop class. 3. Thou shalt not take the name of thy God in vain without the express written consent of thy God. The…

A man is rescued from a desert island after 20 years. The news media, amazed at this feat of survival, ask him to show them his home. “How did you survive? How did you keep sane?” they ask him, as he shows them around the small island. “I had my faith. My faith as a…

Two Boy Scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came upon a cemetery. The boys decided that it…

Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Pete says, “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.” The first nun says, “I want to be Bo Derek,” and…

The “bishop” came to our church today The was a fucken impostor He never once moved diagonally