tech

#include #include #include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */ #include /* For the court of law */ #define say(x) lie(x) #define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE #define next_year soon #define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version void main() { if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) { if (there_are_still_bugs) market(bugfix); if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION); } while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) { make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */ if (rumours_grow_wilder) make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play); if…

486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art – Any computer you can’t afford. Obsolete – Any computer you own. Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3 – Apple’s new Macs that make you say “Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for…

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your damn chain letters over the past few years. Yes, thank you, thank you, thank you from the bottom of what’s left of my heart for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern…I…

I’m only here in spirit at the moment, but if you’ll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I’m here in person.

A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear.

Teacher: Johnny, where is your homework? Johnny: Its on Facebook. I’ve uploaded a copy and tagged you. Please login and verify it later.

From Harper’s Magazine: Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month – a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system…”

How do you know if a dummy has been sending e-mail? You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

Boy: Will you marry me? Girl: Are you kidding? You’re a geek while I need a man with a big bank account and a nice house! Boy: I have 1000 GBs in the cloud. Girl: Come on, that won’t even buy us a cabin in Texas! Boy: You don’t know sh*t, my EC2 account can…

I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard’s DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn’t solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance,…

Microsoft’s new “Cool User” Program REDMOND, WASHINGTON – In order to calm growing impatience among PC users concerning the repeated delays of its new Windows 95 operating system, Microsoft Corporation announced what it cal ls the “Cool User Program for Windows 95.” To participate in this offer, a user pays US$10,000 at which time he…