1. Stand perfectly still at the front window until someone on the street notices you. Quickly pull the blinds down, then, seconds later, peer around the blinds at them. Proceed until they a) Go away, or b) Call the police.
2. Play the same CD on every stereo in the house at once. Try to synchronize them.
3. SCARE YOUR PETS!!! Then cuddle them. THEN SCARE THEM AGAIN!!! Then cuddle them. Ahh, a nice, quiet cuddle–SCARE!!! No baby, it’s okay… SCARE!!! If they run away, they’ll be back, for food; make sure you’re ready for action when they return.
4. Sit on the front porch with a bottle of scotch. Yell abuse at pedestrians. Say nonsense. Wave your arms. Yell. For bonus points, colour a tooth black beforehand.
5. Hide in the bushes near your mailbox and wait for the mailman to arrive. When he reaches for the mailbox, scream as loud as you can. If he tries again, scream again.
6. Report a robbery to the police. When they arrive and ask what was stolen, reply “Only my heart,” and give them a long, warm hug.
7. If you live in an apartment, continually tap morse code for “SOS” on the neighbours’ walls. If they come to your door, deny any knowledge of the signals. Continue tapping once they leave.
8. Search for secret passages.
9. Turn everyone’s clothes inside out, and carefully put them back in place.
10. Explore your sexuality using other people’s toothbrushes.
11. Superglue all of the furniture to the ceiling. Oh, sure, it may take you over 3 days of solid hard labour, but boy, imagine the looks on their faces!
12. Establish a permanent fort in the main TV room of the house. Refer to it as “Control Base Alpha”. Store food supplies and ammunition in there.
13. Drink!
14. Set up whoopie cushions around the house. Offend yourself.
15. Grab the walking lead for your dog and yell “WALKIES!” (or whatever gets your dog excited); then put the lead back, sit down, and watch TV.
16. Rummage through the darkest corner of the freezer with your eyes shut. Eat the first thing you grab.
17. Gather up all the spare change hidden behind the couch, chairs, and bed frames. Throw it at passing cars.
18. Go through the history and cache of each computer in the house. Take notes for blackmailing purposes.
19. Zip yourself up in the bean bag, staying as still as possible. When people return and someone sits on you, yell “TUBBS McGRAVITY!”
20. Discover which storage spaces your cat fits into.