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1. Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) was born on and died on days when Halley’s Comet can be seen. During his life he predicted that he would die when it could be seen. 2. US Dollar bills are made out of cotton and linen. 3. The “57″ on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of…

Three men die and go to hell. There is a white guy, a Polish guy, and a black guy. The devil makes a deal with the three men. He tells them if they can stand on his hand for 10 days without melting he will give them their lives back. So the three men agree…

A family was eating out at a restaurant. The waiter who had been standing by them said in quite an upset manner “Well I guess I’m gonna go home, make myself a cold tuna sandwich, watch the news, and then cry myself to sleep again.” The mother of the family looks at him in pity…

What is the secret of success? “push” said the doorbell “never be lead” said the pencil “Take panes” said the window “always keep cool” said the ice “never lose your head” said the drum “make light of everything” said the fire “be sharp in all your dealings” said the knife “find a good thing and…

Descartes walked into a McDonalds and ordered a veggieburger. The guy behind the counter asked “Do you want fries with that?” Descartes replied “I think not,” and poof – he disappeared.

You Know You’re From Connecticut When… You have hiked up a big hill or small mountain at least once for a keg party. You never went to a bar in high school. You thought that the only highways were 91 and 84. You thought everyone couldn’t buy beer after 8 pm You actually thought that…

A phone rings at KGB headquarters. “Hello?” “Hello, is this the KGB?” “Yes. What do you want?” “I’m calling to report my neighbor Yankel Rabinovitz as an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his fire wood.” “This will be noted.” The next day, the KGB goons visit Rabinovitz’s house. They search…

Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel. “Have you eaten your banana yet?” Ole asked excitedly “No,” replied Lars. “Vell, don’t touch it den,” Ole exclaimed. “I yust took vun bite…

Martin had just received his brand new driver’s license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. “I’ll bet you’re back there to get…

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: “Two Prostitutes — $50.00.” A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: “JESUS SAVES.” One…

Always on the look-out for a bargain, I was dining out and came across a menu entree “T-Bone* $4.25”. I inquired of the waiter how they could sell a dinner at that price. He advised me to check the bottom of the menu. Next to the “*” was “with meat, $14.95”

Marigold, I’m sorry. I hacked into xizle’s account ’cause I’m a stupid mother fuckin’ piece of shit!!