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What’s the difference between MJ and a grocery bag? One is white, made of plastic, dangerous for children to play with, and the other one holds groceries! Why does MJ like Wal-Mart? Because they have boys’ pants half off! What time is bedtime in Neverland? When the big hand touches the little hand! And now,…

I found this on a can of Juicey-Juice 100% Juice. Just add water.

Q. Why was the Gum so mad in class? A. It was Chewed Out!

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her, after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now”, she would be punished. To…

A student said to Professor Stigler: “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this F you’ve given me.” To which Stigler replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”

The following is from the British paper, the Sunday Express, giving awards for dubious distinctions. Tortoise Trophy – To British Rail, which solved the problem of lateness in the Intercity express train service by redefining “on time” to include trains arriving within one hour of schedule. Rubber Cushion – To John Bloor, who mistook a…

“I started a new band called The Chimes” “What kind of band?” “Acapella Ska” “What do you play?” “Drums”

You’re a.. January- talented February- lowlife March- immature April- wild May- exciting June- weird July- selfish August- hot September- scary October- messed up November- cool December-sexy Now pick the color shirt you have on Pink- cupcake sales person Blue- hooker Red- bartender Green- Celebrity Purple- Mc Donalds worker White- slut Yellow- taxi driver Black- chef…

There was a woman who absolutely loved the music of Billy Joel and Paul McCartney. She loved them so much she decided to have their images tattooed on her joke. She went to a tattoo parlor and told the artist she wanted Billy Joel tattooed on her left thigh, and Paul McCartney tattooed on her…

My lover and I can’t come to the phone right now but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished. Hello! You’ve reached Jim and Cathy. We can’t pick up the phone right now, because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Cathy likes doing it up…

What’s the difference between an HO-sausage and Sputnik? They’ve officially confirmed that Sputnik 2 had a dog in it.

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.” On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?” “Yes,” the boy’s mother answered. “And how is your son now?” the psychiatrist asked. “Who…