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Jokes

  • His First Parachute Jump

    in

    Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, “Count to ten, and then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up.” The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted…

  • The Bear and the Rabbit

    in

    There was once a big ol’ tough bear strolling through the forest looking for some silly hunter to maul, when he suddenly got the urge to pass the last hunter he had eaten. He stopped by the side of the path and proceeded to dump away. Well, as he was sitting there, a cute little…

  • Ms. Suzy

    in

    Ms. Suzy had a steam boat, the steam boat had a bell! The steam boat went to heaven, Ms. Suzy went to… Hello operator, please give me number nine! And if you disconnect me, I’ll chop off your… Behind the frigerator, there was a piece of glass! Ms. Suzy sat upon it, and broke her…

  • What Did…

    in

    What did the number 0 say to the number 8? “Hey, nice belt!”

  • What Time Do You Call This?

    in

    A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast, and everyjoke had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However, one citizen was shot at 9.45pm. “Why did you do that?” the soldier was asked by his superior officer. “I know where he lives,” came the reply, “and he wouldn’t have made it.”

  • Singing

    in

    Max: Here I am, once again! I’m torn into pieces…can’t deny it, can’t pretend! Just thought you were the one! Broken up, deep inside. But you don’t get to see these tears I cry….BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES! Bailey: So, wha’d you do with the money? Max: What money??? Bailey: The money your mom gave you…

  • Boss Truism

    in

    “I finally got my boss to laugh,” said one friend to another after work. “Oh, how?” “I asked for a raise!”

  • Formal Wear

    in

    Why do lawyers always wear a tie? To keep back the foreskin.

  • Freshmen Versus Seniors

    in

    Freshman: Is never in bed past noon. Senior: Is never out of bed before noon. Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut. Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend. Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall. Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie…

  • Babies in the Crib

    in

    There once were two babies both in the same room, with their cribs next to each other. After their mom tucked the babies in for sleep, one baby went to the other baby and said, “I can tell if you are a girl or a boy.” The other baby said, “OK, what am I then?”…

  • Why Women Talk So Much

    in

    A man and his wife were arguing when the man commented smugly, “You know, women talk so much! They talk twice as much as man do!” The wife thought for a while and said, “The reason women talk so much is because they have to repeat everything they say.” The man frowned. Then he said,…

  • Essential Additions for Our Vocabulary:

    in

    BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to…