Jokes

  • How Many Apples

    During a recent expedition, three intrepid adventurers were left stranded in the middle of the desert with only a crate full of apples. During the night, Alan woke up and decided to hide his share of the apples, one-third, then promptly fell asleep again. Brian woke up shortly after and also decided to hide a…

  • Born Naked

    We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass… then things get worse.

  • Pajamas

    A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, “Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? I’ll be home in…

  • Visiting Grandma…

    A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow, push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator…

  • Blond Inventions

    Glow in the dark sunglasses A book on how to read A dictionary index Watermelon seed sorter Zero proof alcohol Reusable ice cubes See through toilet tissue Skinless bananas Do it yourself roadmap

  • Batty Books 2!

    Crime and Punishment by Laura Norda The Use of Natural Fertilizers; by G.G. Dunnit The Way to Quick Riches; by Robbin Banks Holidays in Britain; by A. Pauline Whetha Contagious Diseases; by Willie Catchit Driving Through Germany; by Otto Mobile Broken Window; by Eva Brick Monsters; by Frank N. Stein Cliff Tragedy; by Eileen Dover…

  • Yo Momma’s So Fat….

    Yo mommas is so fat it takes a twinky and a tub of butter to get her through the door.

  • White Horse

    A white horse walked into a bar. The barman saw him and said, “We have a whiskey named after you!” The horse looked puzzled and said, “What, Eric?”

  • Knowing Your Client

    A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, “Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!” The officer calmly told him of his violation. The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry and pastimes in explicit terms. The officer took it in stride,…

  • sportmen Quotes IV

    1992. Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.” 1996. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets…

  • Real Signs

    No Smoking Prohibited Slow Children Warning: corners of sign are sharp A Street Downtown 1 Quarter Mile No Parking 2am-5am (right underneath that sign) 2 Hour parking 9am-6pm (right underneath that sign) 15 minute parking 8am-5pm Caution- water on road during rain Airplane Crossing Bear Bottom Drive Emergency telephone 174 km ahead Road hump ahead…

  • New Sex Study

    It has been determined. The most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position. The husband sits and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.