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Jokes

  • My Plates or Yours?

    in

    A professional photographer, at a friend’s house for dinner, was asked to show his portfolio from a recent overseas trip. His friends were quite impressed. “What wonderful photos!” said the host’s wife. “You must have a very expensive camera.” The photographer just smiled and waited until after dinner, when he said, “Thank you for the…

  • Perform a Specified Task

    in

    How many members of a certain demographic group does it take to perform a specified task? A finite number: one to perform the task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of the group in question.

  • T-Shirt Messages I

    in

    I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. The money is always greener in the other guy’s wallet. When money talks, no one criticizes its accent. I love my cat. My cat does not care. My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation. Everyone needs to…

  • Dandelion

    in

    A fashionably dressed big cat (dandy lion)

  • Country Politics

    in

    A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn. The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw…

  • Cliche Turned Back

    in

    “I’m really too tired and unable to do my home work,” the son protested to his father. “Now my son, hard work has never killed any one yet, at least not at your age.” “Yes, but I don’t want to run the risk of being the first!”

  • Bite

    in

    One day there was a blonde, brunette, and a red-head. (How often do ya hear that? A lot!) The brunette said, “Wanna go out for a bite?” “Sure,” said the blonde. A guy walked down the street and the blonde said, “I call him!” The blonde went and got him to bite her. “Why did…

  • What to Wear?

    in

    A man received a notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He asked his accountant for advice on what to wear to the meeting with the IRS agent. The accountant said, “Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think you’re poor.” The man asked his lawyer the same question. The lawyer advised, “Show them…

  • Can’t Catch Me!

    in

    A young man was in the process of taking a verbal exam to join the local police force. “If you’re driving a police car, alone on a country road at night, and are being chased by a group of criminals driving sixty miles an hour, what would you do?” he was asked. Without hesitation, the…

  • Blonde Period

    in

    Q: How do you know when a blonde is on her period? A: She only has on one sock!

  • We, The Jury . .

    in

    As a court clerk, I am well-versed in the jury-selection process. First a computer randomly selects a few hundred citizens from the entire county to report for jury duty on a particular day. Then another computer assigns 40 of those present to a courtroom. Then the 40 names are placed in a drum, and a…

  • More Chuck Norris

    in

    When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he dosent get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris’d. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a horse. It’s decendants are know as giraffes. Chuck Norris doesn’t need oxygen, oxygen needs Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris doesn’t pay off debt, debt pays off Chuck Norris.