A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. – Robert Benchley
Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced. – James Baldwin
Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katherine Hepburn
If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn’t you? “Would you like some breadsticks?” “No, thank you, I don’t play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I’ll have a drum roll.” – George Carlin
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you were? – Satchel Paige
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. It’s not much of a watchdog, but it’s a vicious gossip. – Craig Shoemaker
As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions. – Woody Allen
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! – George Carlin
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting. – Ronald Reagan
If you ask me, I’d like to become the first female president. That would be really cool. The first thing I would do is redecorate the White House, it doesn’t look very cozy. – Jennifer Lopez
Border relations between Canada and Mexico have never been better. – George W. Bush
I’ll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I’ll go, ‘Wow, he’s really not a very good actor!’ – Ashton Kutcher
Profanity is the adjective of the feeble minded. – Gordon Lane
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit. – George Carlin
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
He who stops being better stops being good. – Oliver Cromwell
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy – Erica Jong
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. – Albert Einstein
The trouble with being punctual is that nojoke is there to appreciate it! – Franklin Jones
Outside of the killings, Washington DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. – Marion barry
A hospital bed is a parked taxi, with the meter running – Groucho Marx
I would never die for my beliefs, because I might be wrong. – Bertrand Russell
A man is not finished when he is defeated. He is finished when he quits. – Richard Nixon
I’m paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror. – Richard Lewis
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. – Dolly Parton
Dog is God spelled backwards. That means something, I’m just not sure what exactly, but human is numah spelled backwards. – Marc-Christophe
Why don’t they have waiters in waiting rooms? – George Carlin
According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn’t drink now does. – Conan O’Brien
30. All we have is here and now. That’s why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. – Ellen DeGeneres
Housework can’t kill you, but why take the chance? – Phyllis Diller
Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it’s a second language. – Caroline Rhea
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. – Albert Einstein
Having kids is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. – Martin Mull
Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats. – Howard Aiken
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say “Thank you.” That’s now escalated into “You care care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.” – Rita Rudner
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. – George Burns
Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana. – Groucho Marx
I don’t think my family liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. – Woody Allen
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. – Janeane Garofalo
When will all the rhetorical questions end? – George Carlin
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. – Joan Rivers
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. – Willy Wonka
Whether you believe you can or believe you can’t, you’re probably right. – Henry Ford
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. – Bob Hope
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. – Harry S. Truman
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. – Groucho Marx
Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. – Albert Schweitzer
50. The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights. – John Paul Getty
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands – and then eat just one of the pieces. – Judith Viorst
It takes less time to do a thing right than to explain why you did it wrong. – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome. – Booker T. Washington
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. – Ogden Nash
The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time. – Bertrand Russell
You make a living by what you get, you make a life by what you give – Winston Churchill
If a man hasn’t discovered something that he will die for, he isn’t fit to live. – Martin Luther King Jr.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up. – Tom Lehrer
The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog. – Ambrose Bierce
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. – Anonymous
There are very few people who don’t become more interesting when they stop talking. – Mary Lowry
The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. – Fran Lebowitz
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner. – Red Skelton
Common sense is not so common. – Voltaire
Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are. – Bertolt Brecht
Always be sincere. Even if you don’t mean it. – Harry S. Truman
It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge. – George Carlin
First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. – Mahatma Gandhi
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. – Norm Crosby
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. – George Carlin
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. – Albert Einstein
Sure, there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them were serious. – Alan Minter (Boxer)
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. – Emo Philips
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. – Samuel Goldwyn
If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck. – Elvis Presley
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. – Woody Allen
If life gives you lemons, make some sort of fruity juice. – Conan O’Brien