The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over “Ebonics,” has decided to designate Southern slang, or “Hickphonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
Hire yew – noun. Greeting – How are you – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: “Howdy. How are you.”
bard – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”
Jawjuh – noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Atlanta.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”
Munts – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”
Ignert – adjective. Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!”
Ranch – noun. A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”
All – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”
Far – noun. A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”
Bahs – noun. A supervisor.
Usage: “If you don’t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!”
Tar – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”
Tire – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”
Retard – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”
Tarred – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”
Fat – noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Ar – pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
Rats – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”
Farn – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed… must be from some farn country.”
Did – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”
Ear – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He cain’t breath … give ‘im some ear!”
Bob war – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”
Jew – Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”
Haze – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah… haze ignert.”
Saw – verb, past tense.
View – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City… view?”
Heavy dew – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”
Gummit – noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Them gummit boys shore are ignert.”