animal

How do you shut up a crying baby? Finish the job.

A city slicker decided to buy himself a pig, so he drove to the country until he saw a sign that said “PIGS FOR SALE”. Turning into the driveway, he spotted the farmer, told him what he wanted, and they agreed on a price. They went to the barn where the farmer picked up a…

The sky was dark The moon was high We were alone Just she and I Her hair was brown Her eyes were too I knew just what She wanted to do So with my courage I did my best And placed my hand Upon her breast I trembled and shook And felt her heart Slowly…

There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him. So the guy turns around to go back,…

How do you know if you have the swine flu? You wake up in pigtails and then break out in rashers!

Can you decipher this phrase? lookkool Look both ways!

Dogs… …steal your food. …eat all of your tennis balls. …make you pick up their waste products. …take all of your covers. …eat out of the trash. …beg. …bark loudly at 1:00 in the morning. …drink out of the toilet, while it still has poo in it. …have accidents, on your floor. And you call…

What do snakes use for birth control? An Anacondom!

Two maggots were playing billiards. One says, “I’m bored.” The other replies, “Beats fishing.”

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet…

“I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” – Hippolyte Taine “No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are here to welcome me.” – Unknown “There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” – Albert Schweitzer “The cat has…

When was the price of milk the highest? When the cow jumped over the moon.