bar

A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini. The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar. The bartender picked up the five dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket. Just at…

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, “What’s the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?” The man said, “We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month.” The bartender said, “That…

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom: Drinking fails to give…

A lawyer, a carpenter and an astronaut were having drinks in a bar when suddenly one gets up and hits the other. “who hit me?” “It wasn’t me.” “I didn’t see too much either.” “It must have been the dog” “What dog?” “I’m blind so I couldn’t see a dog.” “Doh, that means I hit…

Lou sat at the bar furiously pounding down shots of whiskey. His best friend, Jim, spotted him and said, “Lou, what’s going on? Are you okay? I’ve known you for fifteen years and I’ve never seen you drink like this before.” Staring at his next filled shot glass, Lou replied, “My wife just ran off…

2 cops are sitting in their car outside of a local bar. They were waiting to see if anyone would drive home drunk. A guy stumbles out, obviously drunk out of his mind. He falls down flat on his face. 5 bar patrons leave the bar. The cops don’t care about the other patrons, they…

An Irish couple were having a dinner party and the wife, Patty, was very concerned that this dinner go off with out a hitch. She sent the husband, Phillip, off to get some escargot (snails) for an appetizer. She said to him “Don’t stop at the local pub, I need you back here right away.”…

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve some thin’ to tell ya.” “Of course you can come in. You’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s me husband?” “That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident…

bar Translations 1. “YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.) 2. “I’LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU.” (Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar,but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.) 3. “HEY, WHERE IS…

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good samaritan and take him home.” The man takes the drunk out the door, and to his car, and he stumbles…

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.” “Oh really? Hmm, didn’t know that.” Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick…