children

Now, my brother ALWAYS daydreams. He just can’t help it. He also likes getting me to feel bad. I just got a new IPod and my brother says whenever I put it in my ears that i have turned into a zombie. When we were out for a bike ride down through the park he…

BOB: Have you changed the water in the fish bowl yet? MARGE: No, it hasn’t drunk the water I gave it a week ago.

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?” A little…

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. “Are you my doctor?” he asked. “Yes, I am.” The baby said, “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.” He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my…

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike. “How’d you get that, son?” “By hiking.” “Hiking?” “Yeah, every night, Mom’s boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike.”

Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said “Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in…

The teacher asked her students to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence. Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.” The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate’.” Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to…

My little sister recently asked me: “Why does the conductor of the band always wave his magic wand, but the players never disappear?”

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I…

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway, and after a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand. “How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.…

Little Susie was mother’s little helper and always set the table when company was coming for dinner. The table was set, the visitors had arrived and everyone sat down at the table when Mother noticed that something was missing. “Susie, you didn’t put a knife and fork out for Mr. Grover,” mother said. “I didn’t…

Billy’s teacher sent a note home to Mom saying, “Billy is a very bright boy, but spends much too much time thinking about girls and sex.” The next day Mom sent a note back to the teacher saying, “If you happen to find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Dad.”