medical

A patient wakes up after having surgery to remove a gangrenous leg. Doctor: “I have good news and bad news.” Patient: “What’s the bad news?” Doctor: “The bad news is that we amputated the wrong leg.” Patient: “That’s terrible! What’s the good news?” Doctor: “We think the other leg is going to make it alright.”

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need Sam’s help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly…

What is the medical term for a woman getting a sex change? An adadictomy (add-a-dick-to-me)

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, “Why didn’t you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?” The lady said, “My…

A woman walks in to the hospital to visit her husband. She talks to the doctor, and the doctor says,”I have bad news, and worse news.” The woman starts to cry, asking for the bad news first. The doctor replies,”The bad news is that your husband only has 24 hours to live.” The woman starts…

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.” “What’s the problem?” the docotor inquired. “Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”…

A patient was waiting for some results from his doctor. When the doctor arrives he says, “I have some good news and some bad news which do you want first.” The patient says, “Give me the bad news first!” Doctor replies, “You’ve got AIDS.” “Oh, no! What could be worse than that?” asks the patient.…

“Well, Jonathan, what are you going to do about the excess weight you’re carrying around?” the doctor asked. “I don’t understand it, Doc,” Jonathan replied, “I just can’t seem to lose weight. I must have an overactive thyroid.” “Jonathan, the tests show that your thyroid is perfectly normal,” replied the doctor. “It’s your fork that’s…

Veronica: Nurse, I am losing my hair! Nurse: Okay, what size paper bag do you need?

Doctor: “Stop worrying so much. Forget your troubles. Throw yourself into your work.” Patient: “But, Doc, I mix paint for a living!”

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.” The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.” The third surgeon says, “No,…

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anyjoke. Everyone was amazed with what he could do – everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic. Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this ‘miracle doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t anyjoke special. When it was time for his appointment he…