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Which three great nations in the world begin with “U”? – USA, USSR, and our (German:unsere) GDR (USA, UdSSR, Unsere DDR). (A play on the way official discourse often used the phrase “our GDR”, and also often exaggerated the GDR’s world status.)

A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. “I just heard the funniest joke in the world!” “Well, go ahead, tell me!” says the other judge. “I can’t – I just gave a guy ten years for it!”

This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said: All signs metric – Next 20 miles.

When all the national leaders met with Bush… Germans make your candy, said Germany’s leader, We abuse it, said Bush. Holland makes your remotes, said Holland’s leader We’d die without those, said Bush. Italy and Mexico bring in great food, said Mexico & Italy, We stuff ourselves with it, said Bush. Japan makes your video…

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When it was finished, she asked her gynecologist how everything was. He said he was pleased and that she was in great shape, and that she was pregnant. “No way!” she exclaimed, but he assured her she was most definitely pregnant. She stormed out of the examining…

MONDAY 8:00 – “Husseinfeld” 8:30 – “Mad About Everything” 9:00 – “Suddenly Sanctions” 9:30 – “The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show” 10:00 – “Allah McBeal” TUESDAY: 8:00 – “Wheel of Terror and Fortune” 8:30 – “The Price is Right If Osama Says It’s Right” 9:00 – “Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things” 9:30…

A brother and sister are in a terrible car accident and the brother is badly injured. At the hospital the doctor tells the sister, “His brain is dead, but his pulse is still beating.” The sister replies, “Oh no! We’ve never had a Democrat in the family before!”

Liberals want to solve the marijuana problem by making it legal. Conservatives want to solve the wife-beating problem by making it legal. Liberals want to strike down all abortion laws, so that unwanted babies can be killed off before they’re born. Conservatives want to strike down the welfare laws, so that unwanted babies can be…

1. Wake up and stumble in the room 40 minutes late. 2. Blame all of the problems in America on 9/11 and Iraq. 3. Pronounce “nuclear” right. 4. Publish my dog’s sequel. 5. Show off my awesome golf shot. Hey, I counted to five!

Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812? A: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on.

I think the next election just got a lot easier for President Obama ’cause his response to every question during the debates will be: ‘Wait, I forget…Did you kill Osama Bin Laden? Or did I kill Osama Bin Laden. Oh no, it was me, wasn’t it?’” –Craig Ferguson “President Obama must be very happy because…

“What is the main difference of succession under tsarist regime and under socialism?” “Under tsarist regime the power transferred from father to a son, and under socialism – from one grandfather to another.”